More eFail (hilariously stupid emails I receive)

Subject: Re: If You Practice or Advocate Cuckoldry

Mistress Rebekka, Please excuse this intrusion. I and wondered if you or someone you know might be interested in something that I have worked on.

If you have any interest in or practice cuckoldry you might find something called a "Cuckold Affirmation" or "Hot-Wife Affirmation" interesting. It is a ceremony and celebration similar to a wedding but with special "vows", "ring exchange" and what I call the "Cuckymoon".

There are many ways to tailor a cuckold affirmation to match a couple's or woman's individual preferences. I have assisted several cuckolding women in customizing the ceremony to suit their individual preferences and lifestyles. Afterward these women reported that there were subtle and beneficial changes in their marriages or relationships as a result of holding the ceremony.

If you want more information just let me know and I will send you a sample ceremony.

If you are not interested in this subject again please excuse this intrusion and discard this message. Thank you.

respectfully,
sxxxxxx



Hi madam,
I m a college student. I have unable to concentrate on my studies due to my addiction to internet, social network etc. I am looking for a disciplinarian and life coach who can help me with this problem. Hope you will reply me soon. Thank you!

Sincerely,

XXXXX

More from the Efail Vaults.

Dear Mistress,

 I would love to visit you for a session, do you ever smoke with a holder?
I an interested in caning, cig punishment, dildo play, feminization.
If you send me a picture of yourself smoking with a holder you could decide how I pay for it - number of harsh strokes with a cane to be decided by mistress etc...

 Yours respectfully

 XXXXX
Translation: Please send me some free shuffle fodder so that I don't have to shoplift porn from the local newsagent.


Subject: REAL-life bdsm session!

Hello, I am coming to England for the upcoming holidays and I am looking for a mistress whom would run a 4-day session that includes a written agreement for me to sign upon arrival stating that once I sign I am agreeing to be held in her captive slavery for the whole 4-days, no limitations, no quitting or giving up no matter what I may say I am to be held against my will obeying all demands or suffer her rath!! I want this to be real without a chance to backout when it gets intence.If you can offer something along these lines or can help please contact me
What - a REAL LIFE session with a living, willing, human woman? I don't know if he's ready for the real thing, and it may be safer for the public at large if he were to stay in his room watching Kink.com.


I have spent most of the week watching Your ballbuster.com videos when i should have been decorating the house.
This one is strictly speaking not an Efail, but I found it funny. And make that BustedBalls.co.uk.

Good morning Dear Rebekka,

in August I will be in London.
I'm a student looking for a footjob... I like kiss feet :) Can we meet? Could you tell me details about??

Thanks a lot :)
I like smack face.

The finest of Efail

I dig not so deep into the realms of inane emails I receive.

Isaearch a woman teacher that reresent autority ,beauty andseriously for na  hard bullwhippping
Your`s
Raoul

Hello Raoul - Did you know that typing with only one hand can cause an 87% increase in bad spelling?

hey mistress rebekka
im JXXXXX from lXXXXXX i have 27 years old, and i am beging u to be ur slave i can travel to just to be ur human toilet im ready to do what ever u want and please if u dont mind to be ur 24/7 slave and i will do what ever u want and just put the number that u want but plz let me be ur toilet slave 24/7 and if u want i can be in ur videos and in ur picturs please mistress...

The position has been filled.

Good morning  i would to Know if is possible during the

>> session

>> that you like teacher take me by one ear and pull my ear for long time ...

>> This

>> is what i like so much ...If is possible we can arrange one session

togheter

>> ...

>> 

>> Thank u very much

When sending the same email to multiple females for the purpose of imminent masturbation upon reply, do note that it is common practice to remove evidence of the 'copy and paste' method, much favoured by many enthusiasts. That is all.

A most charming proposal

This is the only inbox you'll ever be in, sunshine.

August's Efail round up - the best of the worst

Dear hi

Maybe if you have one girl slave Which its your rate for bukkake-.
10 boys or more ? We are based in Genova, Italy, there is one fly direct from London.
sadomaso as mistress
lesbo.
My immediate thought is that the author is attempting to make some sort of erotic haiku, but English not being his first language, falls short of the goal. Then he falls some more.


I love your pictures but need to be sure that I'll get an erotic domination experience with you being very Dom during a tie & tease session using all of the necessary toys (feather, leather collar, leather hand cuffs, butt plug, newbie strap-on) and the right uniforms (PVC thigh boots, PVC knickers, etc). Followed by you forcing me to rim your arse and then into sex. Can you let me know if this is something you excel at?
I'm sorry, I only give bad sex. Try next door. Also, I'm afraid I'm all out of the 'right' uniforms. One day I hope to be able to afford stuff from that expensive Ann Summers shop.


Hi
I happen to think you are one of the most attractive sexy horny women I have ever seen grave my pc screen.
To be blunt , and hopefully not rude, I really desire to fuck you or have you fuck me.
I would be willing to reward you very well for an hour or two of your time in a discreet respectable hotel.
Hopefully you will look upon this proposal favourably and reply with some further details of how I can arrange this with you.
I am an affluent self emplyed business man , white englishman, 40 years of age own hair and teeth and considered attractive.

regards
xxxxx
Your own teeth? I'm sold.

More from the Efail vaults

The vast majority of email I receive is fabulous. However...


"Dear Mistress,
I am interested in Femdom, particularly in hard sports and toilet slavery. How much it will cost and how to book an appointment?"
Dear Mistress (because I bcc'd in a plethora of other ladies and it would give the game away if I wrote your full name),
I can't be bothered to read your website, because I'm special. Please could you take time away from beating those who deserve it to reiterate that you don't do this activity and to repeat information already on your website?

"I am a bit of a coward but really would like to session as well but photography maybe the best introduction for me - now that would be something to get my blood pumping."
It's either one or the other, sunshine. Or neither for you, as the case may be.

"We are seeking 15 escorts to provide escorting services to extremely wealthy Japanese clients in Tokyo and Osaka, each assignment could be from a few days to a few weeks or longer."
Where do I sign?

"I live near chingford with my gf. Would dearly love to meet you alone for a dom sess. I await your summons. Xxx"
It is customary in my 'dunge' to have several pensioners eyeballing you through the window. kk? xoxo

"HI REBBEKKA RAYNOR
I HAVE NEVER TAKEN PHOTOS BEFORE AND I NEED TO GET UP A PROFILE CAN YOU HELP AND YOU LOOK GREAT UP TO FIG NUDE I LIKE THE PHOTO WITH YOUR BOOTS REGARDS KIERAN I AM BASED IN LONDON"
Your keyboard shouting and lack of puncuation displeases me. Begone.

Efail - Freaky mail that all Pro Doms should receive

"How much it will cost and how to book an appointment?"
1. Lift your eyes from your sweat ridden, over-used crotch and read the website, imbecile.


"I'd really like to do a shoot with a gorgeous model like you, fully clothed in fashionable clothes, lingerie, who slowly undresses....  Of course, I'd like to join in this time ...   is that something that you would consider ? If not, I'd still like to take photos of you."
2. Why yes, I love photographers to join me in nature's nudity. That's the only way I can achieve that authentic little smirk I do. Why don't you also try out my humbler so we can really get some edgy angles? If not, I'd still like to squash your testicles in some way.


"i'm going to e-mail those UK-Dominas that i can find that i find stunning enough for me to be able to submit and serve, and since You are reading this, i would absolutely LOVE to serve You!"
3. This one really knows how to make a lady feel special.


"become my sexual proprietress, owner?"
4. Did perhaps translate use Google, you?


"I am a male nanny  (Manny) and looking for a lady to be the one I look after for a few hours. but you must understand I am very strict, so when you are rude or impolite to me I will put you over my knee, lift up your short skirt, pull down your knickers a little way and reveal your bum, then I will lightly spank your bum with my hand. I will pay you £60 per hour neg.If you do not want this but have alternative fun job to do then I will be only too glad to consider it."
5. Refer to #1.

Efail of the month..

Sometimes you just have to laugh. Grin one sidedly at the very least.

A few emails on various model sites saying that the persons in question wanted me to send them some bondage images as they were new to the industry, and needed examples of what could be achieved. Oh yes, I'll get right on it....

No less than two emails asking if it was possible for me to crush small animals for the pleasure of someone else. These types of queries come round very rarely indeed, so I was surprised at two in one week. Sorry. No. Can. Do.

An offer for an all expenses paid trip to Egypt (why is it always there?), whereby I shall be treated like the queen that I am for a week. Before or after my organs were harvested, these details weren't clarified.

A few emails asking if I'd like to go out to dinner. I'm afraid my mother taught me never to fraternize with strange men. Of course that advice has rarely been listened to, but it's nice to be asked. However, as soon as David Mitchell accepts my proposal of marriage, I'll believe that that sort of approach actually works.

Ending on a high note, I had a lovely email from someone I played with at the Rubber Ball, who to mark a milestone in his marriage, wanted to treat his wife (and himself, by default) to a dom training session. All together now - aaaawwwww.

That is all.

Silly phone calls and efail of the week

Apparently my website has went down due to the bandwidth being exceeded - my package gives me 500 GB per month! While looking at the stats earlier, I did notice that in the last two days it's received more than 26 times the normal amount of traffic, so that may have done it. Thank you Max Fisch! My host is seeing what they can do about it as we speak.


And now, onto lesser matters.

I don't usually get that many weird emails, but they do seem to all come at the same time, like a finely tuned sensual encounter.

"Do you like having your feet worshipped?"
I get this all the time. There's usually nothing more in the messages, just that single sentence.

"Can I see you for a session tonight?" / "Can I have your phone number to discuss a session?"
Again, just the one sentence.

"I like you and would do anything just to be with you if your looking for a pet to share your life. I'll leave it you to decide and if you are looking for a person like me to enter your life, you know where I am MISS. Please contact me."
This one was kind enough to include pictures for my consideration.

Also, there has been someone phoning me from a witheld number all week. It's easy enough as it is to get my work number, you simply go through the proper channels. I would link this particular channel, however I cannot get to the url...

And on a side note: Real Dolls - yes, you may want to make sweet love to her but would you take her to the park?!